AN ENLIGHTENING STORY
(adapted from a real-life story)
Lana is a high achiever and corporate change-maker. Her most important driver in life is to be useful: useful to others, useful to projects, useful to good causes. Until recently, her identity was crafted around her capacity to always be there when someone needed advice, an ear to talk to, “a helping hand” when needed for a project. She was thrilled to be the go-to supporter who lightened up the lives of others.
As a superwoman, she kept organizing herself and multi-tasking to anticipate the needs of her close ones, colleagues, and even strangers. Yes, it was tiring, sometimes even alienating. Being everyone’s savior often implied forgetting her own needs and desires. But she did not see any other choices for herself. In her own words “this [was] the normal life of a dedicated, working woman.”
Together, we decrypted - without judgment - what “being useful” meant to Lana. We looked for the underlying beliefs that were nurturing such a consuming need for usefulness. As it turned out, the notion of utility was linked to her need for acceptance. To avoid rejection, she believed she had to be the perfect daughter, student, colleague, boss, friend, mentor, mother, and lover. Being perfect meant satisfying others.
In reality, she was turning herself into a “pleasing tool”, and it felt as if she could never fully please herself nor satisfy others. This was a vicious circle. One day, she realized she was giving to others out of a feeling of guilt and misery rather than love and selflessness. While advocating for the importance of self-love to others, she was the first one to reject any help or opportunities to take a well-deserved rest. She was lying to herself and others, and this had to stop.
If Lana was consciously eager to change, a part of her was resisting. Was she “allowed” to start prioritizing herself? Was she willing to take the risk of losing her sense of identity? Who would she become? She was terrified. It was as if she was on the bank of a river, desperately aiming to reach the other appealing side, but being afraid to cross what seemed to be a torrent of rushing water.
To tackle her recurring objections, we used a coaching tool called the “core outcome exercise”. Lana understood those mixed feelings were different parts of herself screaming to be heard. We listened, respectfully, to each positive message behind her feelings. She recalled her most important values in life: human accomplishment, freedom, and pleasure. To her, everyone who is fully aligned with themselves is able to develop their full potential to answer to the world’s needs. She used to think that her accomplishment depended on how useful she would be to persons who crossed her path. But in striving to please others, she lost sight of her own freedom and pleasure and lost herself and her ability to make her greatest impact. Instead of expressing her values, she was demonstrating an ineffective counter-model.
With that realization in mind, she revised her past, inner belief and created a more liberating thought. She created a morning routine and a decision-making tool that helped her to respect her own needs and to find the courage to choose whom and what to support. She turned her method of engagement upside down and started to lead by example. She demonstrated that being useful to others depended first on self-love.
THE TOOLS
Does this story sound familiar?
Do you want to be useful even though you still have some difficulties deciding when to give, whom to give to and when to receive? In wiling to be useful to others, are you afraid of being perceived as a fraud if you don't always put your beneficiaries' needs ahead of your own?
If so, you are not alone and you CAN find a balance!. Imagine you are a sponge. If you want to help clean surfaces, keep releasing the water you hold inside. Otherwise, you won’t be able to absorb any more water.
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To help you to make a change, here are a few tips:
When starting your day (or while reading this article), ask yourself:
“How do I want to show up today?” You may say “peaceful, excited, or even confident”.
“In that regard, what are the 3 actions - 1 for myself, 1 for my private life, and 1 for my work - I want to take today?” If external requests start accumulating during the day, delegate and postpone tasks as needed to meet your priorities.
During the day:
Pay attention to your body’s signals. If you have a headache, cravings, or body tension, chances are you are controlling and resisting an inner need.
Go to a calm place (this can be the bathroom or even closing your eyes) and ask yourself: “what am I needing right now?” You may not be able to answer that need right away. Still, acknowledging your need, and planning some time to answer it, will help avoid an escalation of tension.
If someone insists and plays the emotional blackmail strategy, saying simply: “I hear you. Today is complicated. I’ll get back to you!” may do the trick. Put the request on a note to assess which strategy is best to deal with it, in the next few days (not today!)
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And YOU, what is your level of balance between self-care and caring for others?
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What was useful to you in this article? Hit the reply or comment button and let me know! Besides, if you want support to find (or refine) your purpose and boost your impact on society and on the planet through professional activities, feel free to contact me using this form (English / French)